I fucked up.
I fucked up really bad.
For starters, I’ve had a really bad borderline personality disorder that I wasn’t able to recognize for most of my teenage life. Only to realize it in a relationship I made toxic through all the lies I told my partner. If it wasn’t for her care and honesty, I wouldn’t be able to realize the facade I hid myself in.
My state of mind has stayed foggy and disassociative lately, due to the lack of cognitive functions from smoking too much weed and not going to school. I can’t keep track of (almost) all of my thoughts, and I keep feeling anxious on how I interact with people, even with close family members, friends, and even at times my own girlfriend.
Mid last year, I tried to get a fishbone out of my throat so much so that I ended up snapping something that I still don’t what is yet. And it’s fucked up everything since then. I stay paranoid over if my adam’s apple is petruding too much as it should. From time to time, I vomit chewed food/drinks stuck betwen my throat and my stomach, but I only make the assumption since I slightly taste acid everytime it happens. I’ve been to a couple doctors, and an ent. All of them found nothing. Im about to have another check up come wednesday this week, I hope I really get to know what happens by then.
The anxiety and depression I already had even before all of this because of my other issues (bad break up, messed up family, screwed up self esteem issues) are only getting worse, as each of these things develop more and more each day.
I just hope I get to paint an honest portrait of myself for others to understand. I’m not well right now, but I have been getting more used to my old and new issues to the point I kind of accepted it as the way life is now.
I hope everyone who reads this understands, but if you don’t that’s understandable. I don’t as well. lol.
